A LESSON LEARNED

    The junior high school was having trouble with the seventh grade girls leaving lipstick marks all over the mirrors in the girls bathrooms.  No amount of warnings or requests to stop helped.   So the principal called the girls into one of the girls restrooms for a talk.

     "You all may not realize how difficult it is for our custodian, Mr. Jameson, to remove these marks so I've called him in to demonstrate what he has to go through."

     Mr. Jameson stepped forward with a long-handled scrub brush in hand which he immediately sloshed around in the toilet before using it scrubbing the mirrors.

     There was never again a problem with lipstick marks on the mirrors.

SKINNY DIPPING

    An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm  for several years.  He had large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,  so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some  apple and peach trees.

   One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't  been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon  bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the pond, he heard  voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it  was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep  end.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you  leave!" 

    The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim  naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up he  said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." 

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

CATHOLIC DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin'what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".

CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: " What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she! looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
     "I'm 90 years old," he says.
     "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
     "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.

"Senility is when you forget to zip down."

PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little bastards!"

DUCK HUNTING LAWYERS
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.  The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

The Mobster’s Deaf Accountant
     When a mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of ten million
      dollars, he confronts him, bringing along an interpreter.

    "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says to his interpreter.

    The interpreter does so and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

    The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
     about."

    The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head.  "Ask him again," he tells the
     interpreter.

    The interpreter signs to the accountant, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

    "Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back.  "The money is buried behind the shed
      in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

    "What'd he say?", asks the godfather.

    "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 Let’s Be Friends  
     The girl writes "I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night.  On Friday afternoon
      he called and said that he didn't think it was a good idea because he just wanted to be  
      friends.  So I hung up and called him back."

      He was like, "Hello?"

      I said, "Hey, friend, it's me.  Want to hear what this jerk just did?"

The Parrot 
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
 
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he
could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
 
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.  John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
 
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
 
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
 
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND
    DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE...

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing
things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone inside your house?' and he
said 'no'.  Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available.

George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.  'Hello, I just called you few seconds ago because there were
people stealing things from my shed.   Well, you don't have to worry
about them now because I just shot them.'  Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire
trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George:  'I thought you said that you'd
shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available

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THREE BIKERS
        Three rough looking bikers stroll into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.    One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy's pancakes. Another spits a wad of chewing tobacco in his coffee and the third biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
        Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
       "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
       "Not much of a driver either," says the waitress.  "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
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     Irishman Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Texas Women . . .
     Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Michigan, one from Florida and one from Texas. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives. The guy from Michigan began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain  terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well,the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert." 
    Then the man from Florida spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her,that from now on shewould have to do all of the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing.  But on thethird day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries". 
    The fellow from Texas was married to an enlightened woman.  He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But by the third day, ........... I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..!"

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IRISH TOAST

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guiness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast. 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife?"  That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.

 He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." 

 She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" 

 John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." 

 "Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,  "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to come!"

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IRISH  CELEBRATION

  The doctor, after a lengthy examination,  sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

 O'Malley  was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character,  he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office  into the waiting room.

 To his son who had been waiting,  O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are  good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In  this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. 

 Let's head for the pub and have a few  pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less  somber. There were some laughs and  more beers.

  They were eventually  approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the  Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending  end.

 He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed  with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

  After his friends left,  O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from AIDS!" 

 O'Malley said,  "Aye laddie, I don't want any of ‘em sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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 BOW WOW!
    Michael was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited.  He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.   After the sessions, which went great, Michael couldn't wait to see the finished product.  He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. 

    A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Michael where he could go to see it.

    A month later, Michael, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be disguised and hiding.  The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. 

    Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men.  Embarrassed, Michael turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music." 

    The woman turned to Michael and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."

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You’re Fired

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.  He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.  It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.  Debra came in the morning, hugely hung over after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. 

The executive approached her and said:  "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." 

Debra replied: "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

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Three Sons – Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.  Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. 

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." 

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." 

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.

It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

She wrote the first son, "Ruben, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Ronny, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" 

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Richard, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Don't Lie to Your Mother

 John invited his mother to dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more going on between John and his roommate than what met the eye. Reading his mothers thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie went to John and said, "Ever since your mother came for dinner I have been unable to find the

beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter." 

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take the ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing since you came to dinner.  -John 

Several days later John received a letter from his mother: 

Dear John,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she were to sleep in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.  Love, Mom 

Train Mistakes

An American, on business and working about ten hours a day, had just returned from several weeks of intense courses of instruction. 

He had finally been granted R&R, and was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the man walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.  The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary worker asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The woman looked down her nose at the fellow, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such  a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The man walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself again facing the woman with the dog.  Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?  I'm very tired." 

The woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" 

The fellow said nothing more.  He leaned over, picked up Fifi, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.  The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the man.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.  And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
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ARE YOU THE MANAGER?

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub.   She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me?  I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is.  I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers,"there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

SEXY LINGERIE

A lady who had been married for many years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop. 

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her new crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. 

She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm." Want some of this?" she purred. 

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to your underwear.