VOLUME V

Texas Women . . .

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Michigan, one from Florida and one from Texas. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives. The guy from Michigan began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well,the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."



Then the man from Florida spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her,that from now on shewould have to do all of the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on thethird day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries".

The fellow from Texas was married to an enlightened woman. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and

housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing.But by the third day, ........... I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..!"

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IRISH TOAST

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guiness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me sweet life between the legs of me sweet wife?" That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me sweet life sitting in church beside me sweet wife."

"Oh, me, that is a very nice toast indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to come!"

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IRISH CELEBRATION

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case things aren't so well. I have cancer.

Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.

They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "Aye laddie, I don't want any of ‘em sleeping with your mum after I'm gone."

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BOW WOW!

Michael was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Michael couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Michael where he could go to see it.

A month later, Michael, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Michael turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turned to Michael and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."

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You’re Fired

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied: "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

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Three Sons – Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the first son, "Ruben, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Ronny, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Richard, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

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Trivial Pursuits - TRIVIAL INTELLIGENCE

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

2. Coca-Cola was originally green.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

( now get this...)

7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David,

Hearts - Charlemagne,

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

20. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

21. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that make them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

22. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super bowl.

23. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the! wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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Secrets to a sucessful marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship.

She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Muskegon and mine is in Grand Haven.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many

gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.

I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She recently ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No,

lady! Jump right in!"

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, 'Dust!"

14. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

15. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to. The women live longer because ... well,

because they're not married to women.

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A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......You either married it or gave birth to it.
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Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
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Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
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Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
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A friend of mine confused her Prozac with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
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I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!
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I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
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The Queen

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought......You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

Changing Look

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short." Love Grandma
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Women Prefer Men who …

Subject: Women prefer....

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

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Wake Up Call

A man and his wife were in a fight and were giving each other the silent treatment.

That night the man realized that he would need his wife to make sure he got up at 5:00 am the next day for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, finally he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awaken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said... “It's 5:00 am. Wake up.

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Dear Abby letters best left unaswered...

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting xpensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

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GOOD NEIGHBOR

This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come." "Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too." "Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."

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Go Home

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"

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Men are like a fine wine.

They start out as grapes and it's up to a woman to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....

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For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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Don't Lie to Your Mother

John invited his mother to dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more going on between John and his roommate than what met the eye. Reading his mothers thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie went to John and said, "Ever since your mother came for dinner I have been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter."

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take the ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing since you came to dinner. -John

Several days later John received a letter from his mother:

Dear John,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she were to sleep in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

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Men !!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.


Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: Practice makes perfect.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

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Train Mistakes

An American on business and working about ten hours a day, had just returned from several weeks of intense courses of instruction. He had finally been granted R&R, and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the man walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary worker asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The woman looked down her nose at the fellow, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The man walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The fellow said nothing more. He leaned over, picked up Fifi, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the man.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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Terrible Accident

A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 and large for $14,000.

The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.

The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options.

The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked.

.. "Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

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Big Turner Brown

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

QUIZ FOR MEN

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.


4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever

find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you

THE WATER WELL

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.

But, then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well."


ARE YOU THE MANAGER?

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers,"there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


GENEALOGY

Many many years ago

When I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow

Who was pretty as could be.


This widow had a grown-up daughter

Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.



This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my father's wife.


To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.


My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.


For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.


Father's wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughter's son.


My wife is now my mother's mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She is my grandma too.


If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.


For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa.


SEXY LINGERIE

A lady who had been married for many years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her new crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm." Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to your underwear.


Attractive Faces

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

Andy Rooney

You got to love this guy. He always knows how to say it....

Andy Rooney On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in here with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grounds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. "This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep."

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.