 | Jokes from the E-Mail Volume I Volume II Volume III Volume IV Volume V |
 VOLUME I VOLUME II VOLUME III VOLUME IV | A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he probably said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. Women's Embarrassing Moments Curl Up and Die I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC Ho, Ho, Ho I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld Lady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Nuts about You My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine": While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter. Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia Surprise! It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girl friend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again. Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York Priceless One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER??? Mom's Advice A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was very itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly,there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." EMERGENCY ROOM A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" ASK YOUR FATHER A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him whatthey are. He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle." LONELY GUY A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, so he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the mall. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to shopping with me a get a pizza?" There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going shopping and get a pizza with me?" Again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go out for a pizza?" A tiny little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time. I'm putting my shoes on." ____________________________________ QUESTION: How old would this person be... One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute ...I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, well the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon. Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. And they went hunting and fishing together. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I,'Sir'-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors. We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 and 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap and how old do you think I am - ???? ANSWER: This man would be only 59 years old. HOW’D YOU KNOW? A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?" The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit." One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to Investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall." Old Chinese Proverbs Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly. Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget. THE COLD HARD FACTS 1. The first couple to be shown in bed Together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 2. Coca-Cola was originally green. 3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. 4. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. 5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% --- now get this... 7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400. (Must not be a show dog!) 9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. 10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. 12. The youngest pope was 11 years old. 13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. 14. That San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs - Alexander the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. 20. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 21. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. 22. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. 23. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game. 24. How about this....The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosy" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosy..."), these sores would smell very bad, so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously) so that they would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."). People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!") Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snooping in your medicine cabinet. SOUTHERN SAYINGS 1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." 2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." 3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." 4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'" 5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm." 6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." 7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull." 8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining." 9. "He's as country as cornflakes." 10. "This is gooder'n grits." 11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor." 12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." MOMMA MOUSE & BABY MOUSE Momma mouse and baby mouse were walking down the path when out jumps a mean, snarling, sharp-fanged cat on the dead run for the baby mouse. Just at the last minute momma mouse turns around and goes "Bark!" and the cat slams on the breaks, hair bristling and goes off whimpering into the bushes. Momma mouse turns to baby mouse and says, "See? I told you it was important to learn a foreign language!" MESSED UP AGAIN! An American, on business and working about ten Hours a day, had just returned from several weeks of intense courses of instruction. He had finally been granted R&R, and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the man walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary worker asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The woman looked down her nose at the fellow, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The man walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The fellow said nothing more. He leaned over, picked up Fifi, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the man. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window." INTERVIEW QUESTION One big company was hiring new staff, one of the questions from the written exm was: All by yourself, you are driving a car on a bad stormy night. You pass a bus station, where there are three people waiting for the bus; one old lady who is dying, one doctor who saved your life before, one gorgeous guy/lady who is someone you have been dreaming to be with. Due to the limited room in the car, you can give lift to only one person, which one you will choose? Please explain your reason. Think about it before you read the following: Every answer has its reason. The lady is about to die, you should save her first. However, she is dying anyway... Is it worth it? May be you should take the doctor, because the doctor saved your life before, this is the perfect chance to pay him back. He may live to save more lives... On the same token, you have already paid his fees... The person you have dreamed about...you may never be able to find such an opportunity again...stormy night spent all cuddled up... Among the two hundred candidates, the one who was hired, simply stated, "I would give the car key to the doctor, so that he can take the old lady to the hospital and I would stay to wait for the bus with the lady of my dreams!" GIVING THANKS An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but the tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped...The bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying... "You deny my existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said... "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together... bowed his head and said... "Lord, I thank you for this food, for which I am about to receive.... |